Are you a selfish parent?
I'm a selfish parent.
At least, I strive to be.
Yes, - I STRIVE to be a selfish parent.
Many people think of selfishness as a bad thing. Selfishness - which means, to be primarily concerned with oneself - is sometimes synonymous with NOT being concerned about others.
And it's actually the complete opposite. Being selfish means taking care of ourselves precisely because we want to be the best version of ourselves, for others.
For our kids, partner, friends, family, boss, coworkers, employees, and more.
I was fortunate to experience this insight very early in my parenting journey. A few days after my son was born, in fact.
We were still in hospital. It was around 3am, and I was watching my boy sleep. The midwife came around and told me to rest. I dismissed her concerns, and she persisted - stating that, to produce enough milk, my body needed to be as well rested (and well-fueled, and well-hydrated) as possible.
That really made me stop and think.
In order to feed my child the way I wanted, I had to take care of myself.
It was a radical thought. Because, like many of us, I grew up in a society where women are taught to put their own needs LAST. To sacrifice everything, for the sake of others. Especially our families.
I've even heard some mums say "always put your children first. Above your partner, and definitely above yourself".
Ouch.
With advice like that, is it any wonder that women are chronically stressed, tired, and over-committed?
As mums, it's all too easy to neglect basic needs.
Sleep deprivation is often par for the course, especially if we have young kids. Add to that our tendency to skip meals, eat too much junk food, consume too much coffee, or not drink enough water - and it's a recipe for burnout.
I notice this in my own life.
Despite my early experience with the midwife in hospital, I still find it easy to neglect my own needs.
And when I do, there's an obvious shift in my energy levels, my attitude, and my mood.
When I neglect my own needs, I'm more easily irritated. I'm more easily annoyed. Little things that would normally roll off my back, start to bug me.
And when that happens, then I'm more inclined to snap at others, or criticise my partner, or get frustrated at my child. And arguments and conflicts are more likely.
It's not exactly the harmonious family life that I want to experience.
So, for many of us - taking care of ourselves is not selfish. It's actually one of the best things we can do for our relationships, our family, and our own wellbeing.
Of course, we can't control if others are in a bad mood. But one thing that we can control, is our own thoughts.
And being selfish, and taking care of my own needs, is a great way to maintain a positive mental attitude.
If I'm feeling cranky, sad, or grumpy, then one of the first things I do is to look at my own physical state. Is there something about myself that I'm neglecting? Have I skipped a meal? Am I thirsty? Have I got cabin fever? Have I over-committed myself? Am I trying to get too many things done at once? Am I focusing on all the things that are wrong with my current situation, rather than focusing on everything that's right?
Most of the time, there is something about myself I've neglected. That's when I know that I need a drink of water, a snack, or a walk in the fresh air. Sometimes, it's allowing myself a few minutes of some creative pursuit that I love (as I write this, my 1 year old is entertaining himself by pulling all the books off the shelf. Whatever it takes to get a few minutes' respite!)
This is not about being perfect. It's about being the best mum I can be. And that means, being able to recognise when I'm low in energy or I have a not-so-good attitude - and doing what I need to do, to rectify that.
So that I can be physically and emotionally well enough to look after those I care about.
It's like the oxygen masks on the aeroplane. Aren't we instructed to put our own masks on first, before we assist others?
After all, how can we help others, if we're not taking care of ourselves? We can't give what we don't have.
So, being selfish means that I can be the best version of myself that I can be. And best of all, through my example, I'll be able to teach my kids about the importance of self-care.
Dr Ash is a Clinical Neuropsychologist and a mum. She supports kids and families to become more confident, motivated, and resilient, so that they can lead happy and fulfilling lives. Ash is passionate about mental wellness at every age, so that as a community we can work together to create a brighter world for the generations to come.
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