How often have you thought to yourself....
why can't my ex see things my way????
Well for every time you have thought of this, so have they. Let me tell you a story about Sam.
Sam’s relationship with Jenny ended just over two (2) years ago and during that time the conflict hadn’t stopped. So much so that their children Josh and Mandy were starting to act out at school, they were crying, withdrawn and just not themselves.
When Sam and Jenny spoke about each other it was clear that there was still hatred, and hurt between them. You could hear it in their voice when they recounted conversations with the children “You are just like your dad”, “That is what your mum does, not what I do”.
Sam was at a loss. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want this to continue but he could not figure out how things would change because in his view this was all Jenny’s fault. He believed, if Jenny changed then everything would be ok.
Jenny was equally at a loss. She hated the hurt and pain the children were feeling and desperately wanted to protect them but if Sam wasn’t going to change how could it get any better? It was at the point that Jenny was thinking of changing the arrangements to reduce the time that the children were spending with Sam to try and reduce the conflict that they witnessed or were involved in.
There are no winners in this situation - especially not the children.
For them - they either get to continue to be witness to the conflict or they loose time with a parent.
So how does it change?
Every fibre in your body is wishing that the other person would change - but you also know that they won’t. You know that their behaviour is antagonistic, unreasonable and that they do nothing but lie.
But what is the benefit in allowing this person and their behaviour to continue to impact you?
You can continue to stay where you are and tell yourself and anyone else who will listen that there is nothing you can do about it or you can take action now and realise that:
You do have power over you!
You can create boundaries
You can choose to work on those matters that trigger you
You can choose how you will react
In the end you know…
The only person you can change is you.
The only person you can control is you.
The only person you need to focus on is you.
When you change the way you turn up. When you become the contrast in the relationship things will change. It will take time, it will take patience but they will change.
When you are in the midst of it you can feel like you are doing nothing but treading water and the thought of doing this work on you can be overwhelming and perhaps it feels even unfair when they are the ones with the issue. But this has nothing to do with who is right or wrong, but everything to do with creating a better tomorrow for you and your kids.